Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
