i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
my poor anus
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
