his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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