she was so not down for the gang bang
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
