i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
28 â€˜Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweetsâ€™ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"