those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
vagina is talking i cant
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
