So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
