My liver just broke up with me...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
