I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
