i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
