my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize