Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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