So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
