Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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