Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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