Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks