Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together