I met the friendliest cop last night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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