Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
