i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
