When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I am one with the molecules
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
