I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize