i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
