Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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