but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
