i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
