Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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