The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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