Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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