Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
