What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
