Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
