I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
