Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
