One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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