Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
