how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
