I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
