I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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