take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
