just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
