what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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