I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
3 2 1 whiskey
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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