if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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