Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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