the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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