What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
