this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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