____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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