I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
