thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
