whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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