I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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