my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
