I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
