i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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