my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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