if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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