i already hear my dad disowning me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
