On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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